I spent 917 days in college. Given a life expectancy of 84 years, that is 3% of my life, a relatively short amount. And it’s true, I didn’t feel much different with each and every passing day; perhaps that day I was scrambling to study for a test, finishing an assignment, or going to a party. Yet still, when I look back from where I stand now to where I started, these short two and a half years have completely changed my life as well as the person I am.

To me, college wasn’t a single homogenous experience, it was a million tiny moments that ultimately culminated into something more. All I hope to achieve with this blog post is to keep some of those special moments alive. Sorted not quite chronologically, but not quite by topic, here’s the hodgepodge of moments that make up my college experience.

humility

When I first entered college, I was bitter. In my mind, I “deserved” to go to a “better” school. I believed that I had done everything right, checked all the boxes, put in the effort, blah blah blah.

I was instantly met with reality. I met people who had done everything I had and more. Who was I to complain when I talked to living proof that I was simply lacking? I realized that even in the small pond of UCSB, I was by no means a big fish. My peers had gone to better high schools than me, had parents to model their careers off of, and had been coding longer than me. People had all kinds of different strengths, and I could name someone better than me at any single thing.

I’d be remiss to not mention Tanay as an example. I could sing his praises all day. He was better at coding than I was (and likely still is), made classes look effortless, easily picked up leadership and teaching positions, and is humble to boot. But if I were to describe him it would be Principled. Every day I got a front row seat to the day in and day out effort he would put in. Watching him make decisions not off of emotion or short term gratification, but rather a set of steadfast rules he upholds is genuinely awe inspiring. In my mind, his success was inevitable. This principled approach to life is something I will continue to strive to embody for the rest of my life.

College is a uniquely rare opportunity to meet people, similar and dissimilar. With extremely high probability, you will never again enter a stage of your life where you are surrounded by so many similarly aged people. Every day was a new opportunity to learn from them, so I tried to soak up as much as I could.

To others who were once in my shoes, I’d urge you to not make the same mistake I did. Take a look around and recognize that the world is vaster than you will ever know, and try to glean as much as you can from the people you are surrounded by. It can’t hurt to try.

games

When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.

– Alexander Graham Bell

My freshman year I played a lot of games, of all kinds. In some ways I regret fooling around and wasting so much time, but in others I’m glad I did.

I joined UCSB Esports on the Valorant. Played as a sub, then a starter, and then slowly left the top team at the school. Practicing every day, playing in tournaments, and having a group of people who shared an interest with me was cool.

In particular, I loved thinking and ideating about the game. All kinds of interesting tactics and playstyles pop up when people push games, rules, and by themselves, to the limit. Ironically, within these arbitrarily enforced constraints of a game, human expression is all the more apparent.

And with online games, you’re no longer limited to playing with just people within your vicinity. Yeah, your strategy might work against your friends in a casual game on the couch, but how do you measure up against the entire pool of players online? What about against a team who had studied your past games and specifically anti-stratted you?

As some context, my friend group in high school played a lot of games. We came from all different backgrounds and had all kinds of interests, but we all played games together. Growing up, I always remembered getting up on a Saturday and looking forward to joining a bustling channel and queuing up for the whole day.

But, as the never-ending march of time continues — the once daily calls became weekly, then monthly, eventually petering off to be a special occasion. People have gone off to college, got jobs, or just moved on to different interests. To me, joining UCSB Esports was a last desperate grasp at something that was always comfortable to me.

At the time I had thought that it might’ve been the time commitment, my shifting role as starter / sub, or my lack of out of game chemistry with my teammates, but as time passed I grew disinterested with the club. In retrospect, it wasn’t the situation, but rather me who had changed; responsibilities, changing life priorities, and new interests had taken gaming’s place in my life.

My door with competitive gaming had slowly been shut without me even knowing. While I might still boot up a game with some friends, the days and nights spent studying professional matches and devising novel tactics have come and gone.

In the summer, I was offered to stay on as a starter and help build out the next roster, I declined.

goal setting

Before college, I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to do Computer Science. I broadly knew what I liked, but didn’t have the guidance or opportunity to explore computer science in depth. Truthfully, I had picked it with the knowledge that it unlocked a high paying career which would keep doors open for me to pursue my other interests.

I still remember those sleepless nights grappling with my career, wrestling with if I had made the correct decision or not.

I really think that for me, everything changed after I had attended my first hackathon. I had really only attended on a whim, and almost forgot to sign up on time.

Man the project was shit, and I had no idea what I was doing. But it was fun. Sitting down and going from nothing to something reminded me of why I had originally chosen to study computer science. From that point forward, I had decided that at least for me, programming was more than a career, and instead optimized for (not that I didn’t spend or waste my time as well):

1. Being engineer who could make things
2. Maximize my surface area of luck for getting to work on something cool

The experience had taught me something more important and fundamental—throughout the course of my life my goals will change, and so will I.

living a life

So far, I’ve only talked about pivotal things in my 917 days in college, but I’d argue that those account for less than 10% of what my college experience meant to me. Somehow, defying the laws of physics, a million moments can fit into those short few years.

In college, I for the first time…

Met Tanay. Met a lot of fantastic people (if it was only this it would be worth it). Lived on my own for the first time. Had roommates for the first time. Took a lot of sunset walks along the beach. Did my own laundry for the first time. Fed myself (with some combination of takeout and poorly made meals). Had a relationship with someone for the first time. Joined the UCSB Valorant Team. Participated in a hackathon. Went to a party on DP. Played a lot of poker. Got a B for the first time. Got my first official job offer. Played Pokemon Showdown in my room until 4 AM until I peaked at a rank of 22. Broke up with someone. Lived alone in another state (with a stranger, I did not like NC, but the people made it great). Worked a full time job. Tried dating apps (they’re horrible). Did “research” I didn’t like. Participated in an AI alignment reading group. Saw a concert for the first time. Met Evelyn (my partner who I fall in love with again every day). Went on a date with Evelyn. Worked at a startup in SF. Tried a lot of delicious food. Took graduation photos. Saw my last sunset as a student in Isla Vista.

and so so much more…

I say this all in one breath, because from where I stand now, college feels like an eternity ago.

All of the days and weeks which felt like years cramming for exams, doing problem sets, and applying to internships have now melted into a blur.

The only things I remember are the little memories I hold so dear to me.

Each one filled with more life than I could possibly impart in a single essay.

To the friends, mentors, acquaintances—everyone who has been a part of my college experience, thank you.

Although the sun has set for me, UCSB will always have a special and important place in my heart.

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Writer’s Note: This is maybe the most personal thing I will every write and put out on the internet. Multiple times during writing this I’ve wondered if this was the right thing to be writing about at all, or whether the ways I’ve constructed the post make sense at all. Ultimately, it’s a reflection on my own college experience, and all I can do is deliver it as coherently and concisely as I’m currently able to.

I still feel that the prose is quite clunky, and I’m not sure if I have gotten any of my points across at all, but I’ve procrastinated and delayed this piece so long that ultimately it just has to come out. I mean, I graduated in March, and it is August now…

My life since graduating has been even crazier, my only hope is that one day, in a few years, I will be able to reminisce on the current period of my life as fondly as I do my time in Isla Vista.